Alphas in the Arts

When I first heard Dr. Neufeld talk about how attachment is designed to work, with one person taking the alpha role and the other taking the dependent, it brought me clarity on dynamics that I had always felt intuitively but couldn’t quite put my finger on.

That is the beauty of the Neufeld Paradigm, upon which all my work is based: it articulates dynamics that exist in and around us. By putting such accurate and clear words to the dynamics, the model helps us to more deeply understand ourselves, our kids and our relationships.

After I became more clear about the kind of alpha adults that all kids need in their life – ones who are warm, sturdy, gracious, generous and loving I started to look around for examples of “good alphas”; in real life, of course, but also in movies, books, poetry and television shows.

My Favorite Alphas in the Arts

Some examples are:

• In the first episode of the show This is Us, Rebecca and Jack are cared for by a wonderful alpha doctor as they mourn the loss of a baby. He offers loving, gentle wisdom and a generous and calm invitation for their grief.

• In the National Book Award winning novel The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson, Gilly, a veteran of the foster care system, is the epitome of an alpha child, however even she cannot help but shift into dependent mode in the incredible alpha presence of her foster mother Maime Trotter

• In the television series Friday Night Lights many of the kids are in sore need of parents, but there are also examples of parents and teachers who completely “get it” (my mental shorthands for “alpha”). Brian “Smash” Williams’ mother is an amazing example of alpha presence and Tami Taylor, in her role as high school guidance counselor, shows how one alpha adult can make a world of difference in the lives of so many kids

• In the movie “The Intern” Robert DeNiro manages to become the alpha adult that Anne Hathway needs, even though she is technically the boss and he is technically the intern. The intuitive way he manages to “lead from behind” without consciously challenging her authority is a thing to behold. And, finally, in two poems:

• And, finally, in two poems:

  With Kit, Age 7, At The Beach

  by William Stafford

  We would climb the highest dune,

  from there to gaze and come down:

  the ocean was performing;

  we contributed our climb.

  
  Waves leapfrogged and came

  straight out of the storm.

  What should our gaze mean?

  Kit waited for me to decide.

  Standing on such a hill,

  what would you tell your child?

  That was an absolute vista.

  Those waves raced far, and cold.

  
  How far could you swim, Daddy,

  in such a storm?'

  'As far as was needed,' I said,

  and as I talked, I swam.

The Raincoat

by Ada Limón

When the doctor suggested surgery

and a brace for all my youngest years,

my parents scrambled to take me

to massage therapy, deep tissue work,

osteopathy, and soon my crooked spine

unspooled a bit, I could breathe again,

and move more in a body unclouded

by pain. My mom would tell me to sing

songs to her the whole forty-five minute

drive to Middle Two Rock Road and forty-

five minutes back from physical therapy.

She’d say, even my voice sounded unfettered

by my spine afterward. So I sang and sang,

because I thought she liked it. I never

asked her what she gave up to drive me,

or how her day was before this chore. Today,

at her age, I was driving myself home from yet

another spine appointment, singing along

to some maudlin but solid song on the radio,

and I saw a mom take her raincoat off

and give it to her young daughter when

a storm took over the afternoon. My god,

I thought, my whole life I’ve been under her

raincoat thinking it was somehow a marvel

that I never got wet.

I would love to hear about your favorite alphas from books, film, television and poems! Please share then with me: lisa@lisaweiner.coach