Let’s Walk Around This!My kid hurts my feelings!
Let’s Walk Around This! is a new Lisa Weiner Parent Coach Series where we’ll look at common parenting struggles from a bunch of different angles in an attempt to get all the way around the issue. What we see from one vantage point is important, but it isn’t the whole story (you know the story of the blind sages and the elephant right?) - when we look at “the elephant” from lots of different angles and put what we see together, we get “the whole elephant”, not just the tail, the ear and the foot. So, that’s what we’ll do here: walk around an issue, stop at various points along the way and, hopefully!, end up with a multi-faceted, 3D understanding of “the thing”. Let’s get walking!
The issue: “Lisa! My toddler* says mean things that really hurt my feelings!”
The walk-around:
Frustration needs to come out. There are many steps along the way to civilized expression; each one is crucial and needs to be fulfilled before the next one is available. The first step along the path to emotional maturity (which, when achieved, includes tact, diplomacy and self-control) is expression without repercussion. “Better out than in” is the mantra for this step. It is important that this often messy expression does not have relational repercussions (consequences, silent treatment, lectures, time-outs) because if it does, maturation stalls out at this step. Takeaway from this angle: When we recognize the importance of this type of unbridled expression - and when we understand that it is transient if we allow it to flow - we begin to understand that we don’t need to (and, in fact, shouldn’t) “crack down” on a four year-old who is shouting “I hate you!” or “Mommy is a poopy head!”. We also realize that we can and should provide playful ways for what’s inside to move out (pillow fights, 5 minutes of say the worst words you can think of etc.).
When a child is doing something we don’t like they are either unwilling or unable to do differently. We often incorrectly assume that young kids are “making choices” about their actions when in fact they are either in that moment a) taken over by strong emotions or b) not feeling like pleasing us or following our rules. When we understand this, it becomes clear that safe and unconditional relationship ultimately addresses both of these reasons (relationship both turns the gears on maturation and relationship open kids’ up to our values, requests and influence). This is a good time to remember the words of the wise Mr. Rogers: “There’s a world of difference between insisting on someone’s doing something and establishing an atmosphere in which that person can grow into wanting to do it.” Takeaway from this angle: These understandings help us to see the big picture in moments when our kids are pushing our buttons and can hopefully allow us to extend to them some much needed grace. There is nothing we can do to speed maturation along - that takes time and patience - but there are many things we can do to impede its natural unfolding. In the moments where our kids are pushing our buttons, hurting our feelings or triggering our worry that they will be calling people names when they are twenty, we can make our mantra “do no harm” and keep loving relationship at the fore. Also: don’t take their words or behavior personally**! They are being overtaken by powerful emotions and at that moment they don’t have the capacity to “make better choices” - gosh, think of all the times we say things we don’t mean in the heat of a moment and we at least have fully wired up prefrontal cortices!
Our kids need to feel that we are sturdy and that they are not too much for us. It is very important that our kids feel that their parents are in the lead, capable of leading them through the big and little storms. Also important is that they not perceive us as fragile and in need of them to take care of our feelings. Resting in the knowing that their parents can and will take care of themselves allows them to be kids in all their messy, loud and uncivilized glory Takeaway from this angle: When we tell our kids that they’ve hurt our feelings or cry when their words have wounded us, it makes them feel responsible for us, which leads to all sorts of issues (want to learn more about this? Sign up for Alpha Children!). When we respond with anger or retaliation, they feel that we are not a safe person with whom they can make mistakes or be themselves, warts and all. It is crucial for healthy development that our kids feel that we can handle them in their worst moments and that our feelings are not their problem (our feelings are, in fact, our “problem” or our responsibility - see #5 below).
We worry that if we don’t let them know what is and isn’t hurtful/acceptable/appropriate/kind that we are abdicating our responsibility or that they will continue to speak this way to us and others. As I explained up above, development takes time and has an order to it. We would never be frustrated with a caterpillar that it cannot fly; we understand that there are things that need to happen in order for it to metamorphose into a butterfly. Similarly, emotional maturity unfolds in an order and when we try to “jump the gun” or allow our own alarm about our kids’ future behavior to cloud our response to their current level of [im]maturity, we run the risk of derailing the healthy unfolding of their development. Of course, letting our kids know (outside of the incident, when they are not in the heat of the moment) that certain words are not appropriate to call other people is a good thing to do - if only so we can feel reassured that we are “doing our duty” around this (as opposed to, say, thinking that our saying that is actually going to change things). Takeaway from this angle: The likelihood of our kids growing out of their uncivilized expression has much more to do with the nature of our relationship with them than any specific “limit” or “boundary” we set in any given moment. Of course, we can and should make sure that (once a while!) we give voice to “the rules” - it might sound something like this: “I think it’s important that you try not to use X and Y words when you are frustrated.” And we should also know full well that they will likely continue to use X and Y words until maturation moves them along.
Finally: Our own hurt feelings need our attention - later, privately, tenderly. The parts in us that feel hurt by our kids’ words are most likely young themselves (inner children, if you will). From our wise, loving adult Self, we can turn towards these young parts in us and listen, respond and tend to them. This is important as 1) they need and deserve our tender care and 2) the more we tend to them, the less likely they (in the form of collapse or looking to our kids to take care of them) or the parts who protect them (in the form of anger, sarcasm or harshness) will come out in our interactions with our kids. Note: this is how we can use internal family systems (parts work) to support our parenting. Takeaway from this angle: Love up your inner system. All the parts of you deserve love, care and attention. The more we can do this, the more freed up we become to parent from our best self.
And that’s it! We’ve walked all around this issue and hopefully gained a bunch more insight from that journey. Let me know if you have an issue you’d like to walk around for the next installment of Let’s Walk Around This!
*Teenagers can also say “really mean things” that hurt our feelings! Because in many ways teens are experiencing a similar lack of impulse control and intensity of emotions as toddlers, you can apply all this to your fourteen year-old. Same same.
**Doubly don’t take it personally when it comes out of the mouth of a twelve year-old!